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Writer's pictureFintan Davies

How to deal with loneliness

Updated: Jul 16


These non-fiction books have helped me both recover from loneliness and practice curiousity..

CONTENT WARNING:


Multiple Addictions (Video Games and Porn) are discussed in this blog.


Loneliness is a universal experience for us all. But how do we get to this point and how can we deal with it?


From my own experience of loneliness, it comes down to mutiple factors. Are you invested into fiction more than reality? Do you spend more time online rather than real life? Do you have a negative worldview? Are you heavily focused on pursuing romance instead of connection? And finally, have you just not found your tribe yet?


How can you overcome these factors and get to a place where loneliness doesn't factor into your life anymore?


From my experience, it comes from developing the awareness that the way you live your life is not serving your social needs. From this awareness, you can explore solutions to this feeling of loneliness.


But first, some context.


Growing up as an autistic child, I felt like an outsider. I began my lifelong video game addiction when I was 3 and it would seriously affect my relationships for over 20 years. What need was gaming serving me for so long? I had control over what I did in these fictional worlds. It gave me purpose as well in that I could overcome challenges and when I would fail, I could try again over and over. For an extreme example, I spent over 300 hours playing Crash Team Racing: Nitro Fuelled to master both the driving mechanics and the time trials.


The impact gaming and superhero movies would have on my social skills were destructive. Whenever I was in school, I'd only connect with a few other autistic friends and we would only discuss our love of gaming and superhero movies together. While discussing passions with our friends is a good thing, gaming and superhero movies have a unrealistic view on reality.


Gaming made me think that I was the most important person in my world and that I had to overcome challenges alone. Superhero movies have loners like Spider-Man and Batman who have very few people in thier lives to confine and be vunerable with. These movies also made an impressionable kid like me believe that romantic relationships would solve all my emotional needs and be the thing that would make me truly happy and content.


Our connection as friends wouldn't deepen beyond that simply because we were not curious about the real world. We cared about fiction more than reality because the real world was so complex and full of sensory overload. The best way to convey how sensory overload affects me is that if I hear a loud noise that I both don't control and expect, I experience a lot of stress. Dogs barking terrified me as a child and it has only been in the last couple of years that I don't feel scared of being around dogs. Being around multiple dogs with various personalities helped me with this.


Because our conversations were focused on superficial things, I would rarely meet with these friends on weekends which I think was likely because curiousity was rarely practiced between us.


Looking back, I loved interacting with adults more than kids my age during my childhood. I realise that this was likely because they were geniunly curious about my life. These kind of interactions made me feel good and stayed with me.


These interactions set the stage for when I would meet my tribe in 2011 when I started as a Theatre Sound Operator at my secondary school's theatre company. Everything slotted into place where I would meet people passionate about theatre and we would all collaborate and make something bigger than video games.


We all had the shared goal of bringing joy and passion to everything we achieved together. What really mattered to me was that I connected with people who weren't autistic themselves.


This changed everything.


I started to develop the social skill of being curious and my friendships within this theatre company were strong. This was especially true when we would travel to Budapest and perform our plays there. Being away from Video Games grew my confidence and I felt loved and seen.


That gap of time between 2011 to 2015 of being part of this theatre company was such a happy time in my life. I don't remember feeling lonely at all during those years. That is the power of being with your tribe continously for four years.


I felt excited by the prospect of University because everyone always said it would be where you would meet lifelong friends and also a romantic partner. I was also excited by the prospect of living independently in student halls.


But, unfortunately, University would end up being the loneliest I'd ever been.


The culture at University simply didn't fit my needs. Students and my peers connected at loud bars and events and it was such a struggle for me to fit in. I wanted to talk to potential friends in quiet spaces but this was almost impossible.


The second year was even worse because when I lived in student halls again, my flatmates would host parties in our kitchen. This felt like it happened every single night and they would always last until 3am.


I was so angry, upset and sleep deprived that I isolated myself in my room, binged eated chocolate and played video games like The Last of Us at every available opportunity.


For most of my life, I struggled to be vulnerable and express what was going on with me both physically and mentally. I think I internalised that my needs didn't matter. I think this came about because I simply wasn't present in my own body. When I gamed excessively and had limited general knowledge of the real world, I didn't know how to express myself. This was because my thoughts primarily focused on gaming and had little space to develop the vulnerabily and interpersonal skills to have honest conversations with people.


This struggle would lead to me getting ill and not talking about it. I would also not be able to comprehend that my mental health was deteriorating. Despite, at this time, having both counselling and weekly meetings with the University's special needs team, I just could not be honest with myself and with them. I'd talk more about romantic feelings I had for someone rather than try to understand why I was so upset and drained by life.


Knowing that there was no way I was ever going to be ready to pursue romance at University broke me and I felt like a failure of a human being. My porn addiction (which started when I was 12) became chronic at this point. This addiction was a distraction against what I always wanted, love and acceptance. I thought intimacy with a partner was what I needed and porn would compromise my abilty to make my friendships with both handsome and beautiful people deeper and long lasting.


Tutors and Lecturers noticed that I looked chronically tired and would ask me if I was ok. I never told them what I was going through. Even when I was asked what my living situation was, I said I was fine. I found it impossible to express my frustration and anger. It got to a point where I would suddenly burst out crying from the stress I was internalising for months. This got so bad that I couldn't get any work done. The stress was that crippling.


My loneliness ran deep into my mind and I could not find a way out.


I would look online to Reddit for answers as to why I was hard done by. I wanted to know how to navigate a world that I clearly couldn't fit into anymore. I would develop negative worldviews about humanity from the forums, Men Going Thier Own Way, Incel and Anti-Natalism (The belief that pro-creation is morally wrong).


The narratives on these forums were so toxic that I believed that the world was a horrible place to live in, that I'm not worthy of romance and that people cannot be trusted in that they'll come for you and ruin your life.


I would end up hating humanity and not trusting anyone.


This would lead to me being sectioned under the mental health act and getting treatment in Springfield Hospital in 2019.


Being in hospital was a wake up call in that by not dealing with my loneliness, my mind shut down. I saw this moment as a sign that I had to be willing to open up to people. I couldn't hide behind a mask and let my social anxiety win anymore.


Opening up and being honest with the doctors and staff who were geniunly curuous about me set me on the path where I wouldn't be lonely anymore. Their kindness was so healing for me in a way that excessive gaming and porn consumption could never, ever match.


Seeing and interacting with real people being their best selves will always set an example in a way that that the internet can never do.


When I was discharged from Springfield, I felt comfortable being vulnerable for the very first time. I knew that Reddit had to go and that got blocked when I got home. Over the next three years, through talking to therapists and my mental health team, I would quit video games and porn for good.


At the time of writing, I haven't played a video game in a year and 7 months. I also haven't watched porn in eight months.


The benefits for leaving these addictions behind were life changing. Gradually in the last year, my memories of video games and porn have been fading away. You remember the 300 hours I spent playing Crash Team Racing Nitro Fuelled? I barely remember anything I did in that game. Most of the game's soundtrack is gone from my mind.


With my memories of violence from games like The Last of Us fading away, I've been able to be more present and in the moment. I'm able to recall small details from conversations I had with a friend a month ago and bring them up on a dime. My memories have expanded to take note of interesting stories and facts from my friend's lives. This upside of quitting addiction has helped me massively in sticking to recovery in the long run.


The doctors inspired me so much that I pursued reading non-fiction books. I wanted to fill in the gaps of my real world knowledge and it is one of the best decisions I have ever made. Learning about the real world has made my interpersonal skills thrive because it helps me internalise that people have rich, complex lives. I can now pick up on something interesting a person says about themselves and I'll ask them to expand on it.


This mindset of pursuing knowledge will also serve you well in the work environment. You'll enjoy being with people and they'll enjoy being with you simply because you like them and genuinily want to know more about them.


When I worked in the West End for the first time last year on Accidental Death of an Anarchist as the sound operator, I took the time to get to know all the people working within the production company and the theatre itself (Theatre Royal Haymarket). Taking the lessons I learned both from non-fiction books and Ted Lasso, I took the time to put the judemental thoughts I used to have about humanity aside.


I instead focused on developing curiousity by not worrying about what I should say next. Our connection as a team grew during that summer and I knew, right then and there, that focusing on human lives rather than the fiction of both video games and porn was the right direction to take my life.


So... how can loneliness be tackled today?


By surrounding yourself with kind, genuine people whenever and wherever you can.


For me, I have done this by working full-time as an usher at Theatre Royal Haymarket. I have ushered there for 5 months now on both The Picture of Dorian Gray and A View from the Bridge.


What I absolutely love about this job are the people. We all love theatre and lead different and exciting lives when it comes to our hobbies and careers. They bring such joy because I love getting to know them. Being out of the house six days a week knowing that I'm both needed and working alongside them is an honour. I'm glad I've decided to get out of my comfort zone and interact with the public because I certainly wouldn't have done this before my mental health crisis.


Surround youself with good people and you'll go far. You are not worthless and useless. We all need you. Loneliness can be tackled and... I promise you... you will find your tribe.

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