The Freedom of Pride

This is my pride flag (Genderfluid and Abrosexual)

Writer's Note: I'm listening to the High School Musical Soundtrack on Spotify as I'm writing this and, my god, the opening lyrics of 'Start of Something New' is hitting me like a freight train!

Today is the final day of Pride month! From today, I go by my new name, Fin Davies, and my pronouns are they/them. This has been a joyous and euporic journey to be with you as I truly am!

Here is my story:

This past year, I have been considering both how I feel about myself and how I percieve the world. What I personally love about Pride is that it celebrates the pure idea of freedom.

With Pride, there are near limitless descriptions of our inner worlds and we can choose what rings true to us at any given moment.

But, during my childhood and adolescense, my education didn't promote freedom and emotional regulation. It drilled into me what society expects from all of us at birth. Be straight, make children one day and don't question your gender.

This didn't feel comforting to me because, growing up autistic, I wanted to know all the small details of what made this world, not just the big picture.

My experience of sexuality over time is complicated. Growing up straight, there were two factors at play. Not knowing that any sexuality other than heterosexuality existed and that friendships between men and women were treated by society as lesser than romance caused me so much anxiety.

I'd make friendships with women at school and feel so anxious that all of them had to develop into something romantic. I couldn't be present and love the friendships as they were. Since there was no resource I could find and learn during this time to regulate the emotions I was feeling, the friendships suffered. I felt that I was left to fend to my own emotions alone and it felt like I was the problem.

Years of unregulated emotion would follow but things would thankfully improve when I quit playing Video Games for good in December 2022. With the main outlet for expressing my emotions out of my life, I commited myself to learning about the real world, gender and sexuality through non-fiction books. I also wanted to seek connection with people as the process of quitting video games from 2019-2022 showed that being with people and connecting is where its at.

Throughout these last three years, I have embraced being curious and not judgemental (Thank you Ted Lasso!) with every person I meet, the people I'm lucky to call friends and family and, most importantly of all, myself.

When I was the Sound Operator for the West End's Accidental Death of an Anarchist at Theatre Royal Haymarket during the summer of 2023, I was recommended by someone I worked with to watch Heartstopper as I was questioning my deepening feelings for men.

To see myself in Nick who was also realising he is Bisexual was so beautiful and freeing for me. The representation in Heartstopper changed my life for the better and was the big spark of the fire that would lead me to the person people know me as today.

This was a happy time where I felt new possibilities and that my feelings I'd feel for men and women, no matter how deep, were valid and that they mattered.

This acceptance would go even further with another Heartstopper story I would later read in 2024, Loveless, as recommended by a dear friend.

Loveless explored the beautiful complexities of Asexuality and really spoke to me. Knowing that choosing not to be sexually intimate in a relationship is completely valid was and still is freeing.

This book unlocked an unprecedented level of acceptance in one important aspect. I finally know what my boundaries are in this present moment. Right now, friendships matter the most to me. The kind of relationship that I'd be open to exploring one day would be a Queerplatonic partnership where the lines between friendship and romance are blurred.

How do I define this potential partnership? One where both my partner and I's boundaries around physical intimacy are respected. What are my own boundaries? All I want is to hold my partner's hand and cuddle. Nothing more, nothing less.

So how do I determine, at this point in my life, that I'm Abrosexual and percieve my own sexuality as fluid? Because all the crushes and loves that I've felt for people in the past was and is real to me. I didn't feel Bi or AroAce during my time at School and University. This is how I personally experience my sexuality and I honour those experiences as part of who I was at that time in my life.

So what is my own gender experience? With the introspection I've embraced these last few years, gender expression was becoming something I wanted to explore. This would blossom after becoming an Usher at Theatre Royal Haymarket last year. Seeing my friends express themselves in their unique and beautiful ways inspired me to both explore and embrace my own gender expression.

I'd get my nails painted and absolutely LOVE IT!

I felt courage on starting my journey of not conforming to the expections of the male gender. I'd then get Lipstick and through a period of exploring, dark red lipstick is definitely my go-to!

But then, an idea of what my gender identity was came when I watched the amazing film Conclave last year. *Spoilers for the ending!* The fact that the person who becomes the Pope at the end of the film is Intersex opened up the floodgates of me accepting myself as Genderfluid.

The film opened an internal dialogue within me where I questioned how society determined gender. The fact that I never got told by anyone or in education about intersex people lead to me believing today that my gender is what I determine it to be.

I can decide at any time to be whoever I want to be. I can be masculine one moment or femimine at another moment. I tried growing my hair long and didn't like how much sensory overload it caused me so I'm sticking to my hair being short. I am also continuing to explore my gender expression by looking into Eyeliner and wearing perfume. Gender expression is limitless and I'm excited about what new side of me I bring out and be proud of!

I intend to explore my gender fluidity further and whatever happens next, I know I've made the right decision for both my mind and body.

This is me and I'm proud that whatever I do and don't do is valid and worthy of love.

You are worth being whoever you want to be and loved for who you truly are.

Here's to Pride!